Pocket holes and other mysteries...

It's truly amazing what getting paid will do for my mood. Two days ago I was feeling pretty low. Not having money in a city overrun with increasingly wealthy transplants has been getting more and more discouraging. But there's a special feeling on payday where I feel a greater sense of freedom. All of a sudden I have significantly more options than I did twenty-four hours ago. And the options run the gamut: I can treat myself to some sushi if I want, or I can go to the store and buy the ingredients for a full balanced meal. I can choose between wine or sparkling water, instead of choosing between tap water and two-week old O.J. (which may or not be on the verge of stagnant). I can choose to put extra cash on my credit cards, or work on bulking up my savings. I can think about what I want to do the next day without anticipating a crippling boredom. I can buy my cat an extra toy at the pet store, or think about finally getting a haircut (although I don't have enough to actually get one).

Then... the bills get paid, and all of the sudden I have $150 to last me two weeks. Again. Why? I've cut my expenses in HUGE ways. I quit smoking, which saves me about $200 a month. I quit therapy which saves me $160 a month. I've added a couple things, like Netflix, but nothing that would suck up that extra $360. And San Francisco continues to get more and more expensive. I joined the public health care program with the city, which takes $150 per quarter and I couldn't get an appointment. There's $150 down the drain. I've been subsisting on junk food because it's cheaper, and accordingly I feel like crap. And to top it off, I'm going to start paying my student loans off next month. Ugh.

But I just got paid, and today I'm going to the Japanese dollar store, and maybe Ross. Then I'm going to go grocery shopping and get the ingredients for some yummy and healthy dinners that can be turned into next day lunches. Even when I had all those extra expenses, though, I don't remember having such a hard time. I don't remember having to plan my life around having three dollars a day.

I guess it's time to rework the ol' monthly budget. Wish me luck!

Happy (Belated) New Year

Hello hello. Happy 2009. I keep forgetting that I have this thing. A blog, I mean. Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. We celebrated the New Year (both American and Chinese), our brand spankin new President was inaugurated, I started school, and . . . (drum roll) I quit smoking. Huge deal for me, as I was a pack a day smoker for a decade. I've been smoke-free for sixteen days now, and I'm feeling good. I have nicotine patches, which are horrible in every respect, except that they're a godsend for preventing cravings. In every other respect, though, I hate them. I don't really feel like myself lately; I feel a bit removed from everything. They mess with my sleep too. Good thing I have such understanding teachers, or I'd be in huge trouble for sleeping through my classes. But I'm not smoking. The condition is temporary, and I'll come out of it better than ever. Maybe with a lower GPA, but my health is worth it... I guess. I joined a research study that has supplied the patches and lozenges for free, as well as free therapy, and hypnosis. The hypnosis has been a trip so far.

To distract myself, I've started to find new stuff to keep myself busy. I just went to the library today and took out a bunch of books on how to make your own kite. I'm really excited. Next weekend, I'm going to scour the hobby shops for all the equipment and will start building! Look at this bitchin dragon kite:



I definitely won't be able to do that when I'm just starting. Hopefully, though, I'll get up to that level eventually.

I also took out some books on how to make your own beauty products. Most of the stuff I'll be able to buy at the grocery store, like almond oil, yogurt, avocados, etc. The general rule is that if you wouldn't eat it, you shouldn't put it on your skin. I still have to go to Rainbow Grocery to get jars and some essential oils, but I think overall it'll be pretty inexpensive. I wonder how much different I'll feel after a couple of months of not using chemical lotions, washes, shampoos or conditioners. We shall see.

My Boss Rocks

I'm not feeling so hot. My chest is on fire, and I'm coughing up a bunch of gunk. I'm achy, and dizzy, and on top of all that I'm right in the middle of finals week. I've been invaded by cold and wind, as Chinese Medicine would say, which makes sense. We've had a cold spell here in the Bay Area, and I'm probably just being a huge whiner, as other parts of the country and world have temperatures much lower than this (I think it hit freezing last night), but I'm not used to it, and it invaded me. Now I'm sick.

This posting isn't really about me, though. It's about my boss, Diana, who is the greatest boss ever. I called in today to let her know that I probably won't be in (due to the fire in my chest as described above), and not only was she understanding and sympathetic, but she also told me that I would still be paid for Christmas Day. This may not seem like a surprise for any full-timers, but it's a huge deal for me. I'm only part-time, and she's not required in any way to give me sick or holiday pay. She let me "clock in" last week when I stayed home sick (I get sick a lot) too. Generosity on the part of employers makes me cautious, and I expressed to her how much I appreciated it. She told me that I'm an asset to the organization, and she wants to make sure I'm happy.

It sucks that this is a new feeling - being appreciated by my employer. We should all be so lucky. At my last job, I always felt grossly incompetent, which I now see was more the fault of the director there. She wouldn't tell me anything. I was her assistant, and she didn't tell me that the organization was close to bankruptcy until the day I got laid off.

So hats off to all the employers out there who treat their workers like family, and value the work they do. Again, it sucks that this type of thing isn't status quo.

Let It Snow!

I'm taking a vacation! It'll be short, and it may break the bank, but I don't care cause I'm tired and I need to let my head rest for a couple days. We're going to the snow in January. We decided on a great little cabin in South Lake Tahoe where we'll be able to make snowmen, snow angels, snowballs (for fighting), mulled wine, hot toddies, mashed potatoes and cupcakes for Noelle's birthday. It's going to be grand, and I've stopped paying attention to pretty much everything else in my life to plan and fantasize about this trip.

The place we got has a hot tub, which I'm really excited about, and I don't really know how to ski but I'm going to do my damndest. And Chris said that he'd pee my name into the snow! What a pal.

This is the house we're renting. The ad called it a "chalet". Ooh la la


This is the hot tub surrounded by pines.


This will be me as soon as I even put skis on:

Wheel of Death

Ever since the election, I've been running on fumes. School and work and the rest of life are taking their toll, and I'm starting to feel burnt out, irritable, and kind of crazy. The election was a mind-fuck, so bittersweet. Obama's amazing landslide win was dampened by the passage of Prop 8, to make gay marriage illegal. Who are these people that voted yes? I went to the Castro election night with my friend Kristy to celebrate, and while most folks were laughing, dancing, drinking, happy, there was a somberness in the crowd. It's an issue of civil rights - it's not simply a gay movement. It's a human movement. It's depressing to be reminded that there are people in the state of California, MORE PEOPLE, that believe that two men or two women cannot love each other, or that they shouldn't be given the exact same human rights as everybody else. Over half of California feels this way. I'm appalled, disgusted, and feeling pretty helpless. If California will do this, the state that apparently is a leader in progressive movements (although I don't know where this notion came from - we elected the Governator for chrissake's), where should I go? Is there a utopia anywhere?

I'm also in the middle of looking for a roommate, which has been an interesting process so far. I'm stuck between a tranny boy who works long hours, and is really sweet and nerdy, a young techie who could fix my computer but who (or so I've been told) eats a bunch of fast food, and a sweet and very quiet young man who is in school and working full time. Don't know who to choose. I had all of them over this past weekend to meet up and show the place off, and if I could have all three of them live with me I would. I've never lived with a boy before, so I'm leaning toward one of them. I wish someone else would make this decision for me. My brain hurts and I'm tired.

Lately I've been feeling like a hamster running in a wheel. I'm going and going at breakneck speed, not getting anywhere, and to slow down only means getting hurled around the wheel for a bit then spit out. I need some time off. I need to finish school. I'm afraid that if I take time off after graduating, I'll never want to go back. But would that really be so bad?

Almost a four year sabbatical

According to the dates on my last post, it looks like I haven't posted anything for almost four years. Oops.

I think about who I was then, and I try to remember, and I try to remember, and I just can't. It escapes me.

I do know, however, that things are a bit more topsy turvy than almost four years ago. We still had Bush (still do... hopefully only for another 48 hours or so), I was heading in a completely separate direction than I am now. Different job, different school, didn't have my cat. It was, indeed, a very different time.

It's pretty strange to think of it. Who I was then, and who I am now. I go to sleep early now, or atleast I try to. Four years ago, I could have stayed out until 2am and woken up in time for my 7am hotel shift. It would have sucked, but I was able to do it. These days my body is a little less forgiving.

I'll leave it at that. So ends my "sabbatical". I'll try to check in more often.

To Make It Public . . .

Duality to scare me
Makes me panic.
Can't concentrate on one
and the other is right there.
I need a day to myself.
Just one day.
I need to strut down the street with my headphones
and myself

(I still haven't gotten used to the words just appearing before me on a computer screen)

And all I could think on the bus ride home
was that I could fly
and I could love to do it
not be afraid.
Just lift off the ground
(with my music)
strut through the sky
dancing
I'd point to stars, and they light up
at my whim.

They'd be me

And it's all spinning around me
and I got nothing to worry about
but crazy
little
nothings

Fear and love
together
such a strange combination
anger and love
hate and love
something I can't quite put my finger on
and love
and I've felt love in its purest form
unaccompanied

It is not as good as this.

I feel sweet
the fear makes me alive
anger, hate
my breath comes deeper
stronger
in a duality.
good and evil
a force to be reckoned with
i am a woman scorned
and the love i feel is dangerous

I am giddy now
I am lovely now
I am fucken pissed
I am everythingsensuoushatedexasperatedfuckedscreamingcryinglovedandlovelyflyingflyingflying
starsnothingdistractedpissedashellGOODANDEVILatthesamefuckentime
flyingflyingflyingflyingflying . . .

there is a duality

there is a duality

there are two things in everything
working together
at the same time
everywhere
I am a woman scorned
I am loved
I know it
I am hated
I know it
I love
I hate
I fuck
My head can't hold all this shit in
Too fucken small

flyingflyingflyingflyingflyingflying

. . . . .